The Years Are Slipping By

I see the hours go by faster and faster. The days and weeks fly by and there is nothing I can do about it. I turn the calendar months over so fast that it makes me wonder where the month has gone. Another year approaching the end. Didn’t I just buy a 2014 calendar? Didn’t I just celebrate the new year? Didn’t I just say 2014 is going to be the year? The year to do what? I don’t remember. Another year is almost gone and I don’t remember what I wanted to accomplish.

In a few months, I will be another year older. In a few years I will be 40. I see it up a head. It is there, waiting for me. I still feel like I am in my 20’s. I remember my hopes and wants when I was younger. What happened to them? Did I brush them aside? Did they disappear? Did I give up on them? I never truly knew what I wanted to do with my life career wise. Not in high school, not in college, and sadly, not now. I never was one of those lucky people who know right away what career path and life path to take.  In reality, how many of us do?

As another year goes by, calendar year and biological year, I see my motivation slipping by. I am slipping down a slippery slope that I can’t get myself out of. It is like drowning in quick sand, only mentally. I am being swept out to sea and not able to swim back. Some days I make a little progress towards shore, some days I tread water, and other days I am being swept back out to sea. I sometimes wish I could start over. Maybe go back to my niece or nephew’s age and start all over. Other times, I wonder what drugs I am on to be thinking that!

All in all, I am doing the best I can, at the moment, with the life I have been dealt. My son should be approaching 13 years old. I can’t even imagine a teenager in the house. My daughter would be approaching 11 years old. She’d be giving me the hard time I gave my parents. I can’t even imagine myself a parent to a 13 and 11 year old. Did my dreams die with them? They must have. That is where they went. They are gone. I see them out there in the distance, but they are unreachable. Maybe, just maybe, one year when I say, “This will be the year….”, it actually will be.

Everything Changes

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Found on sayingimages.com

 

The sun rises. The sun sets. We get up. We go to sleep. Day in and day out we do what we need to do. We tend to our jobs, raise our children, go to school, and help out in the community. Seems pretty routine. Our days sometimes blend into others and it feels like we are doing the same thing over and over. We get bored. We need a change; something different. What many of us don’t realize is this is a gift. Routine can be a gift at times. We need to cherish these days. We need to hold onto these days because eventually, everything changes.

There will be a day when something or everything changes. A loved one will pass away, a child off to college, a child getting married, a move to a different city, a different job, the loss of a pet, a divorce, a new love, etc… There will be a day when then “day in, day out” routine will be something that is wished back. Cherish each new day whether it is a “routine” day or not. Each day is a gift for all of us. Make the most of it!

When One Door Closes, Another Opens

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.  – Helen Keller

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. How many of us have said that to ourselves at some point in our lives? All of us, I assume. Growing up I had this vision of a perfect, happy, no problem life. Well, no major problems. I pictured myself doing well in school, doing well in college, getting a job I could be happy with, getting married & having it be easy, having kids, no major problems, the white picket fence outside the house, and of course owning a cat or two or as it turned out, three. How many of our visions actually turn out perfectly? How many of them turn out exactly liked we planned and hoped?

I have learned that I am not alone when it comes to visions and plans not working out. Life happens. Life intervenes. I did go to school and college and enjoyed it, but did not do well. I wasn’t the smart kid. I could have been if I applied myself. I have had jobs, but nothing I was extremely happy at. Does that job exist? Some say yes. I could have had that job if I applied myself. I did get married, but of course, it is not perfect. What marriage is? We tried to have kids, but going through loss after loss, we gave up. My point in all of this is, I had this perfect vision of my older life when I was younger and nothing has turned out the way I visioned it. It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way, but it did.

I decided to stop searching for answers as to why things did not work out. I decided to simply live and let go. Life has this funny little way of actually turning out. When a problem arises, nine times out ten, it works itself out. Either the problem is fixed or I accept it for what it is and move on. It is true what the say; when one door closes, another one opens. Looking back on my life, I realize that has happened many times in my life. I just didn’t see it until now. I have been going through my life on a fast pace, worrying, and not paying attention to detail. It is amazing when you start to slow your life down, stop worrying so much, and pay attention to your life’s wants and needs, things do work themselves out. Instead of saying, “it wasn’t supposed to turn out this way,” accept it for what it is, learn from it, let it go, and move on. Everything happens for a reason. It was supposed to happen that way. We were supposed to go through that, learn from it, and continue on with our lives. When one door closes, another one opens.

Breaking Out Of A Rut

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Why is it that doing something good for yourself, doing something that benefits your health and well being can be difficult? Eating right, exercising, thinking positively, and surrounding yourself with positive people are all ways to improve yourself and can make you happier. In addition, volunteering in the community and having a satisfying job will also make your happier. So why is it that many of us don’t do it? It just goes to show you how easy it is for all of us to be stuck in a rut and fall into a period of depression. There are many people out there in this world that think people with a mental illness can magically become better on their own and that getting rid of their mental illness will happen quickly. How the rest of us wish that were true! Recovery is a long process. It does not happen overnight.

This blog is not just to help me, but to help others. If one person reads this and finds some hope, motivation, and inspiration, I will be happy. It no longer matters to me that my family and friends know what I have been dealing with for so long. If one person gains something positive out of this, it is all good.

One thing I have started doing that I didn’t believe in before is thinking positively. It is said that thinking positive can help you in any situation. I have heard from numerous people, “if you think you can or can’t, you are right.” People who deal with physical illnesses, such as cancer, can live longer just by thinking positively. I have started doing this. Instead of negative thoughts going through my mind, I have begun to think that everything will be okay. I will accomplish what I was put on this Earth to do. Things will improve. Draining out the negative thoughts will not happen overnight, but over time, there will be less negative thinking.

Something else I started doing is volunteering. I have to admit, I can’t always push myself out the door to do it, but I am getting better. I love animals, so I am volunteering at the local animal shelter. Those animals will put a smile on my face any day! Also, I joined our local Lions Club. There are many ways to become involved in your community through a club or an organization. Meeting new people and helping others is the key to feeling better about yourself.

As difficult as it can be for anyone, let alone for someone who has a mental illness, exercise is another key component. I have been lacking in that area for some time now, but I promised myself after Thanksgiving, it is time to get back to exercising. Moving your body in any way for any amount of time will benefit you and your attitude. It is hard to get back into exercise, but what I find for myself is once I do it once, the second time is easier!

Something I thought of last night to improve myself is the Nike Slogan, “Just Do It.” Pushing myself to do certain things takes days, if not weeks. Over time, the thought will become an action and I will “Just Do It.”

There are many ways to help yourself out of a rut or a period of depression. Some people live with it the rest of their lives. Some people have to cope with their mental illness instead of overcoming it. Medication and/or counseling does not help everyone. Some go through this year after year with no end in sight. I am thankful that I feel like I can overcome this. Being the stubborn person that I am, I am determined to overcome it on my own.  I have become my own patient and counselor at the same time! Over time, even if you are not able to overcome your depression, your rut, or work through your mental illness, there are ways to cope with it. It is not easy, I know. I have dealt with this most of my life. It is possible to have a life and cope with your mental illness. It is possible that some people may have to deal with it the rest of their lives. Some people will overcome it. Whatever the case, there is help. There are options. There are ways to make your life better, happier, and more enjoyable!

I Am Not the Norm

I am not sure why today of all days, but a thought was pushed into my head like a slap on my face. I have heard it before, thought of it before, and I might have even typed it before, but I don’t think I grasped the real meaning behind the thought. The thought came to me this morning while brushing my teeth and looking out my front window. Brushing my teeth is quite the activity for me. It is not just a quick brushing, spit, and be done. I can thank my mom for this. I brush my teeth twice a day and each time, I do some sort of combination of walking around my house, pacing, and sitting down to looking out my front window. Whatever the combination is, brushing my teeth makes me think about things. So, back to my “slap across the face thought.” It really hit me at that moment. I finally realized it. I am who I am.

Thinking back to my first day of kindergarten, I remember being scared and crying. I didn’t want to go and once there, I didn’t want my dad to leave. Back then, it was only a half day and even that half day was too much for me. Once sitting down at the tables, I looked around at all the kids who were strangers to me. I was terrified. As the school days went on, they did become easier. I made some friends and started to like school. Even from that first day of school, all you want is to fit in. You want to make friends and you want kids to like you. I was always trying to fit in and be like someone else. It didn’t matter what I did, I didn’t fit in. I wasn’t the skinny, popular runner in school like my brothers were. I am who I am! As the school years went on, I made friends, but I still always wanted to fit in with everyone else.

College came and left. Jobs came and left. Friends came and left. Life continued. No matter what I was trying to do, I was always trying to be like everyone else. I wanted to fit in with “the norm.” I wanted to be like everyone else. Well, that didn’t go so well! Nothing seemed to work.  My life was not going well. I struggled through depression and personal crisis after personal crisis. I was always worried about what someone else might think. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted out of life and even if I did know, I was scared to go after it. After struggling through personal crisis after personal crisis, my motivation and ambition was gone. Just when I was starting to gain some of that back, another crisis slapped me across the face and threw me to the ground. Just when I thought life couldn’t get any worse, it did. I felt like I was back to square one. All the progress I was making in moving forward with my life, just set me all the way back. Life does go on though. The world does not stop. The days went on and the weeks went on. Things are a little better now. I learned many, many things from this. I even relearned something: I am who I am!

It has taken me 35 years to realize I am who I am. I am done trying to fit in with “the norm.” I am not the norm! I am different than everyone else and I have different wants and needs. My parents had three boys before I came along. I have three older brothers and I am the youngest and only girl. That should have been my first clue that I am different. I don’t want the traditional 9:00 to 5:00 job, five days a week. That is not me. I am not doing that just to fit in with “the norm.” I want to write. I want to be published. I will write and I will be published. I don’t entertain a lot on the weekends. That is not me. I love lazy weekends where I don’t always have to talk to someone. I am not changing that just to fit in with “the norm.” I don’t like to talk a lot on the phone and I don’t always like to text. That is not me. I am not changing that just to fit in with “the norm.” I don’t always like to talk and be friendly when I am out shopping and running errands. Sometimes I just want to get done what I have to do and get back home. That is who I am. I love actual books over e-books. I’d rather hold a book in my hand than read an e-book. That is me! That is okay! So you see, I am who I am. That is perfectly fine with me and it doesn’t have to be fine with anyone else. I am who I am!